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"Snurchy goodness!"-M. Olsen
Jul. 6th, 2008
May. 13th, 2008
12:29 pm
So, once again, I'm very much in a stand still at my life. I've realized that I only post now when things are just really confusing.
So was in therapy last quarter and went to see the guy maybe 4 to 5 times. It was kind of helpful, but kind of not. My last appointment was during finals week and I canceled because I was sick and wanted to get some extra sleep. Other than that I haven't gone back, and I really should.
Physically I've been feeling loads better this quarter, even when I don't take my stomach medicine, which is really great. I'm still having anxiety though. It's really not been horrible though--mostly because I don't put myself in situations where I might get anxious. I don't go to the movies, plays, lectures (other than class), and avoid long car rides where I'm not driving.
I went to the doctor today with hopes that he'd prescribe me something like xanax that I could take when needed that would mellow me out, but not knock me out. He instead prescribed celexa which I take everyday and will eventually make the neurons fire better in my head and I should experience less anxiety. But it's everyday and I won't start feeling the effects for 2-4 weeks though I really won't feel the effects--they'll just kind of happen where I'll overall be calmer. I just need something for those situations and I just don't know. I feel like such a drug seeker but I just want to try xanax because I've heard it does what I need a drug to do.
I just can't deal with this all on my own. I just want to run away from my problems and pretend they don't exist.
Jan. 24th, 2008
12:40 am
Ugh, I have not motivation to study for my Midterm tomorrow at 9am, and yet I'm upset to think I might fail it. I know while taking the exam, I'll be depressed and pissed at myself and yet I can't force myself to read the plays this evening....
...I feel like a failure
A failure who feels like throwing up
Jan. 20th, 2008
12:00 am - Baby
So I'm in Reno this weekend staying with my brother, sister in law, and niece. Loads of driving for less than 2 days here, but it's been so rewarding. I love my niece and like helping my sister in law out. We went out and got Tatiana's first pictures taken at the mall. Though she didn't cooperate the best, we got three decent shots taken. While walking around the mall many people mistook her for my baby. I was holding her and when we went into stores people kept asking questions and well I know the answers so I said things like how old she is and thanked people when she was so cute. My sister in law and don't look alike, but age wise we look close and so people assumed that because I was holding her that she was mine. . . AND I LOVED IT! Random strangers called referred to me as Mommy, the lady at the picture place had to ask who was the mother, and my sister in law didn't care. So it was nice.
I love babies and children and all I want in my life is to start a family, have my own house, and be happy. I can't wait to have children. I love crying babies, well it's more like I like comforting them, rocking them, and I don't even mind changing diapers. My best friend Brandon says it's my maternal instinct saying have kids and that's what women are meant to do (not that he's sexist, he talks more hormones and instincts) and I deny that it's just my body talking. I know not all women are made to have kids, but I feel like I am. It feel pathetic saying I would just be so happy to have a child but its the truth. Sometimes I even wish I was straight and just randomly got pregnant. For me being gay, I really have to plan these things and I don't just get an ooops, the condom broke. I don't know.
I asked Melissa who Tatiana would go to if both her and my brother died (not that I"m wishing anything on them because they are so important to me). She said she didn't know and that they really should make a will up. Out of the grandparents, my parents would be the most equipped to raise a child because theres my mom and dad, but I don't think they would want to. Nick's mom isn't the best choice because she works and has a busy life, and well she's overbearing and didn't raise my brother that much (though Renee had joint custody with my dad over Nick, he stayed with us a lot more). And Melissa's mother is way too emotional and crazy--Melissa barely survived living there. None of their friends are that ready to have a baby/already have some/aren't responsible enough. I told Melissa that I would take her, even if I was in college. I''d rearrange my whole life to raise Tatiana. I know I could raise her and finish school at the same time. Honestly, I don't want Nick and Melissa to go, but if something happens, hopefully I can take her and raise her.
Today, Sunday she is 1 month old.
Jan. 2nd, 2008
12:44 am - Fuck
So, camp is taking an interesting twist this summer.
I just sent my application in. I've applied for the assistant riding director spot, and want it so bad, but I have two people potentially in the way. I've been informed that Sue from a couple summers ago wants to return and supposedly has paid her money to camp America already. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have her back, but she'd probably get the ARD position before I would. The only thing working in my favor here is that she's said she's coming back for years and never has made it, so this could just be her annual "I want to come back and will but not really". Ok so there's that.
Then Cazaa said she's coming back but I'm not 100% sure about that. She'd also technically have seniority over me for that position, because she has an extra year of riding staff experience. I just think she's too quiet to be in a leadership role--which wouldn't be bad, but Liz is quite quiet too. I like Cazaa, she's nice and a great teacher, but after this past summer, I don't trust her 100%.
I'm one of the first to send my application in which could mean that I have a good shot at getting the ARD spot--but it could also mean that we'll all get hired as riding staff and one person will get promoted later, when they have a better idea of who's coming back. I don't want to wait and I just don't want to necessarily be on riding staff anymore. I have so much more to offer. Keep your fingers crossed for me--this isn't the best way to start 2008...
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depressedDec. 21st, 2007
11:16 pm
Hey. I'm officially an aunt!!
Tatiana Renee was born Dec 20th at 11:34pm. She was 6lbs 11oz and 20 inches long! So cute!!
Dec. 14th, 2007
07:16 pm - Excuses
Over the last couple years I have become the queen of excuses, and tonight was just another night of excuses and "I don't knows" to my parents.
They decided that they wanted to go see the new Will Smith movie, which looked ok--I mean I would see it. BUT i declined to go. And why? Because I couldn't face the pressure of sitting for 2 hours in a room filled with people. My excuse to my parents: "it's too cold" and "the movie didn't look that good". As soon as the car pulled away, I regretted not going with them. But, I need help, my anxiety in social settings is so bad.
I hate situations where I feel like I have no out, situations where I lack control. Going to class alone is horrible. I sit next to the door, on the end of a row, all so that I feel like if I need to I can escape. It seems as if this all started, and i know it seems weird, but a night at camp last summer 2006. Dana was sitting next to me in the middle of the backseat and we were driving back to camp from Walmart. After turning back onto Highway 4 from Parrots Ferry Rd, Dana yelled at Ducky to pull over and for me to get out of the car, quick. I opened the door as the car stopped but couldn't get my seatbelt off. I managed to slide out giving her enough room to jump over me and out to throw up, but it was scary, that feeling that I couldn't escape. Since then I've gotten carsick and just sick in general. Since then, I've lived with intense nausea on and off. I've had many tests and seen many doctors, originally thinking the whole problem was medical. I know now that part of it is mental. I do have some stomach problems that are medical, but so much of my nausea comes from my anxiety. Sitting in class, in the movie theatres, and at restaurants, I get anxious, thinking, and I know it seems stupid, but thinking what if my bad stomach made me throw up right now or I felt like I needed to throw up? Then I get nervous and my stomach gets worse, i sweat, get heart palpitations, and start shaking. And it all culminates in me avoiding these situations and making excuses.
And people ask me why I don't go hang out with my friends while I'm home. I make excuses, "they are still in school" and "They are busy" but in all honestly, I haven't talked to anyone from high school in forever, besides the occasional "hi" on facebook. I keep in contact with my teachers from high school and the people who are still in high school more than the people I graduated with. Even, Tori, who was my BF towards the end of HS, I haven't talked to in months. And now it's not like people from HS are calling me to hang out and I am turning them down, it's no one calling. And it's the same as few people calling while I was in high school to hang out. Sr year was easy because I worked, did plays, and went to school--I didn't have to make excuses because I was always busy. Let's face it, I wasn't a social butterfly in high school and it's causing me to suffer now. I've been trying to keep busy shopping and make it look like I'm getting out of the house, but the parents keep asking why I'm not seeing my friends from high school. And "friend" is such a general term--Brandon is a friend, albeit one of my best, but then you also include people in that category whom I haven't seen in years. Seriously, I haven't seen most people from High School since grad night. How sad is that? When I turned down my parents offer for the movie tonight, my mom said I should call Rachel up, or Kendra. And while it would be nice to see them and such, it's been forever. I used to be the person that connected others together, in 9th grade, like when i was friends with Rachel and Kendra seperately and we all started hanging out. Then what seems like overnight I was gone figuring my life out when they all bonded and I was like the third wheel. So I just did my own thing. I have friends--people I know, but not really people I go do things with--minus camp people and college people. I'd love to spend more time with camp people but distance just makes it hard. And college people. In college I have my group of friends that I live with in my immediate appartment and teh complex, and the people that stem off of us. And most of them live in SoCal, so I can't see them now. I know a lot of other people through work, gay club, and my major, but I don't ever spend time with them. Things will get better in January, when L Word starts and I go to Angela's once a week to watch it. But theres still this absence in my life of people to do things with...Though that stems back to my whole anxiety thing where I get nervous spending time with others--but I need to push myself. I pushed myself with Brandon, and now we're best friends.
So if you want to hang out, and not because you feel obligated after reading my Friday night emo moment, but really want to hang out (besides my sis Jazzy, bc I already will see you soon) message me.
Dec. 11th, 2007
01:38 am
It's been an interesting time home in the last week I've been here. I'm bored out of my mind and yet at the same time, I just need to be bored and chill for a while. But my parents don't seem to get that. MY schedule is to stay up late and sleep in. The meds I take make me tired, I can't help that. My mom has been ok, but my dad has just been so harsh. He's snapping all the time and the only reason he's mad is because he's mad at my grandpa who's been sneaking around and lying. And I know everyone in my family is disappointed with my grandpa, but my dad is making it hard to be around him.
And I'm getting more and more stressed about hiding things like tattoos and piercings. But I'm 19, I shouldn't have to hide these things. And yet, I know my parents would freak, and be upset and disappointed in me. I can't deal with that right now. They are both disappointed in my for weight and give me so much crap for not taking care of myself. I can't tell you how many times my mom has brought up me failing to get a flu shot this season. Get over it, I didn't get one! But it's hard just eating at home. I don't eat till the afternoon because I"m not hungry and then we eat dinner so early that I'm hungry at like 10. Then I have to be careful with what I'm eating because my parents are judging me. My dad just tells me to starve myself--eat one meal a day. Like seriously. How am I ever supposed to be happy with the way I look if they can't accept me. And to top it off, my "friend" Avik posts this into a message to all of our friends this evening after I called him out on being a dick:
"Jes - Screw you. It's a bit of a deal to me when people make fun of my name, so when people misspell it it's a small insult. I'm sure someone somewhere has teased you for being fat. I'm sure you don't appreciate people reminding you. I don't like being made feel different. But I don't expect you to step out of your own point of view to understand mine. So whatever, enjoy."
So yea, life sucks.
And I miss Brandon, like crazy. We talk on the phone every night at midnight when we open the next day on our advent calendars. I know we are dorks, but he's my best friend. We have nothing in common, but at the same time everything in common. IDK, he just means a lot to me.
So if my sister in law doesn't pop this kid out soon, I might wilt and die here in San Bruno. Anyone want to hang out?
And Christmas, don't even get me started on how disappointed I am with xmas this year. I've just lost the spirit because of what the holdiay has turned into...I'll post more later
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blahOct. 28th, 2007
11:35 pm
It was probably the most emo weekend I've had in a while. Friday night I had a great time with Carebear--we went to some mega big haunted houses in San Jose. It was just good to see her, and I love haunted houses.
Saturday I spent the morning hanging out with my mom. I told her about the National Student Exchange, where you go out of state to school for a bit. She sounded receptive to the idea, but when we talked to my dad, he was completely shut down to the idea. He doesn't think I'd gain anything from it--he sees it as a whim, and that I'll just want something else in a couple days. That really got to me. My parents see me as someone who is impulsive--and I am a bit. I act on impulses, but think hard about big things. They also see me as someone who is irresponsible, immature, and gullible--like I'm a child. They just don't see me. So going home is depressing because I feel like they expect me to fail in most things. So hearing my dad say things like just stay at your school, theres nothing you'll gain from traveling, just kills me. SO that was hard.
After that my mom and I went to the fabric store. I bought some fabric for my halloween costume, and she bought me some fabric for a project I'm doing at school.
That evening, I went to see my high school's play. It was a good show, but made me super depressed. I miss my theatre and doing shows so much. It was a huge part of my life in High school. I miss my theatre friends and my drama teacher. I miss that sense of community. Seeing the cast and crew of this show, made me sad that I wasn't still doing theatre. After the show, I went to the cast party because it was at my friends house. I only stayed for a while because I only knew a few people there on the cast. It was again sad that i still wasn't a part of it all. Then what was sad and depressing was at the party, I was with my friends and their parents. I feel like I'm in this awkward place between high school life and married or family life. I see their families, with kids and happy relationships, and thats depressing. Then I see my friends still loving high school and I miss that. It's weird though because the three people I saw this weekend were like my little freshmen. Seems like just yesterday that Nathaniel, Kasondra, and Dan were like my little brothers and sisters. Now their all grown up. So I feel old, but young bc I'm in this single life. Does that make sense?
So that was depressing, and on top of that I had a rough Sunday. It may not seem bad, but it felt bad. I spent hours this morning sewing my costume. I was hoping that if I couldn't finish it, I could bring the sewing machine back to school, but mom wouldn't let me--claiming that she was going to use it, which is hard to believe bc she's just learning about sewing. So none the less, I got a lot done and it was looking good, but I got to a point where I just needed to stop and brainstorm, but there just wasn't time. So I gave up. I just didn't have time because I had to pack and leave to drive here. My parents asked me how it turned out and i told them that I gave up. My mom was like, You worked so hard all day--how could you give up. I was upset that I'd failed and so her saying that just made it worse. My parents walked me to my car and they could tell I was disappointed. When I got in the car and backed out of the drive way, I started crying, but they couldn't see. So basically, I failed at my costume, my parents don't think that highly of me, and my life depressed me. Great weekend, huh?
I enjoyed the play, seeing my friends, and the haunted houses, but it was just hard.
Oct. 23rd, 2007
08:15 pm - The Wedding
The wedding was so amazing.
Saturday I went to Kyrsten and Alicia's commitment ceremony and it was so nice. Very romantic and yet simple. They both wore cute white button down shirts with black pinstripe blazers. Kyrstens brothers wore "pimp" suits, but actually looked nice because I've like never seen them cleaned up. The bridesmaids looked really nice too in pretty purple dresses.
It was rent themed too. When they walked down the isle, seasons of love played. The song where mimi is revived is played when they walked away from the alter. It was simple but so nice.
There was mexican food and amazing margaritas. I miss margaritas. mmmm, paublitos.
Skelton was there and gave me her margarita. How weird because well she was my teacher way back when.
It was just really nice.
Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my friend Jeanne's death. It's been weird not having her around. Her family's still not over her death. I'd like to think I am, but sometimes its just hard to think I'll never see her again.
Still putting off calling the therapist.
on a happy note, I get to sleep in tomorrow.
Oct. 8th, 2007
05:05 pm
So, I dumped Stephanie last Thursday. It was hard because it was all my decision, but at the same time it's been good. I miss talking to her loads because she was there all the time for me, but I just couldn't be with her while she was with her ex at the same time. I'm proud of myself though for going through it rather than just sticking with a dead end relationship...
I'm quite lonely though...
Sep. 19th, 2007
12:56 am
She told me she loves me, and I
1. Don't know if she was just saying it casually because it was in email or if she really means it
2. don't know how I feel
3. Don't know if we've spent enough time together to make this step yet
4. don't know if I want to make this step
5. don't know what to do...
Help
Sep. 7th, 2007
11:21 pm - Reflection and goals
I've had an amazing day...
And I'm left with a sense of joy and peace and at the same time regret.
I spent the afternoon with Atari in Berkeley and we just talked which was so nice. It wsa great to see her after being apart all summer. And although her summer seemed rough, I"m slightly jealous. I wish I had the nerves to go out and work at a new camp. As time progresses and I stay at Sugar Pine, I can only learn so much. I've been thinking about my work future a lot lately--everyone keeps asking where I go to school and what my major is and its gotten me thinking about my future. I really want to spend a summer working for Larry--I think that would give me some valuable experience. It's intimidating, but I think once people start being done with Sugar Pine, I'll go for it. I want to get out there and experience other camps, and see how they do things. It's always been my dream to be riding director at Sugar Pine, and I think that's a decent goal for the next 4 years. I still have room to grow before I get to that point. But after doing that, I've been thinking why not open my own place. Atari talking about her riding director this past summer has gotten me thinking. Why couldn't I do it? I"ve got the experience, and more to come in the future. How cool would it be to have my own set of 30 horses, a ranch with a pool, places for kids to sleep, and everything else that comes with camp? I'd want it to be some place where I could run camp during the summer and outdoor ed or family camp or just a dude ranch type of thing during the rest of the year. That would be amazing. It is a really scary thought though to leave Sugar Pine because it has been my home for 10 years. That's a fear of mine, as juvenille as it seems.
I also was thinking about this past summer. So many challenges from a dud riding director to friendship drama. I grew up a lot, and have noticed the things I still need to work on. I really want the asst riding director spot next summer, but at the same time, will I want to return? So many things hindge on me wanting to go back, but I don't know what else I'd do. You also don't seem to realize how good things were until they change. Squeak was amazing. I miss her like crazy. And while things have changed at Sugar Pine, I just don't see her returning. I've been thinking though and I'd wish that I'd have had an opportunity to properly work under her--not as a camper. If she ever gets a riding director position at another camp, I'd go there just to work with her--anywhere in the United States. I learned so much from her in the past from little things like knowing how to test the length of your stirrups before you get on to twitching a horse to horse first aid to my riding skills and confidence. I owe so much to her.
And as I look into my far away future, I must npt neglect my near future--most importantly this coming year in college. NOw that I have a car--I feel so much more free. I'm scared though with that freedom. My driving skills arent the best and need work and I'm hoping that this year, I can imporve my confidence. I'd also like to work with horses this year--I want to ride and have lessons to improve my confidence there.
I want to get good grades too and suceed in Recreation.
I want to have a nice living space--last year was hard. This year I think having my own room will be very helpful. I'm nervous about living with my friends because we are very different people, but I'm thinking positive.
I want to make more friends and keep in touch with my past friends. I need more social interaction. I got to see Travis today, and it was so good to see him. We used to be so close, like we had plans to live together and get married if we never found anyone else (he's gay too so it wouldn't be sexual). We used to talk all the time and write stories together, and well, I just miss him. How did we seperate? I need to work harder to keep in touch with these people.
I want to figure something out with Star. I'm not digging this long distance relationship thing. I'm intimidated by her presence and wonder if relationships are even for me. Things went well while we were at camp though we were only really together at the end. Our interactions have shown me that I do have more growing to do, I simply need more experience, and at the same time our relationship kept me sane at times. BUT she's in Chicago. That may just not work out.
I want work to go well this year. I want my events to be sucessful and I want to become a better worker, more confident in contacting other people and planning things and I think my REC class will help with that.
I think I'm going to go for therapy. There's a councilor at my school who I've worked with in a professional relationship though my work, but I feel like she can help me. I havent really told anyone, but I've got a case of serious anxiety and I want to know exactly what causes it and how to get rid of it because as of now, it's killing me and my social life. I can barely go to parties, movies, meals out, the dentist, theatre shows--because I nearly break into a panic attack and throw up. It's fun--but not really. So hopefully she can help...
I'd also like to get in shape. I lost like 20lbs this summer without even trying and I'd like to continue that trend as the year starts. It feels good--and gets my parents off my back.
Basically, I need to improve my confidence, in a lot of areas. Confidence has always been a place that I have lacked, stemming back to when my cutting days started and I forgot how to process my feelings.
I'm hoping and planning for a good future...Wish me luck!
Jul. 17th, 2007
10:47 pm - Another Death
So...
As I was saddleing traffic (the horse) today, my camp director came up to me. She held me and told me that my dad just called and that my grandma died this morning. She wisked me away to the office where I was showered with hugs and love. Finding out about this death was so much better than when I was alone finding out that Jeanne died. Here I have so much love and support and its a great feeling--because I just don't get that in the real world. I'm sad my grandma died, but ite better for her because she's not suffering.
Jun. 13th, 2007
03:43 pm - Tears and Camp
Hey guys,
You'd think 4 deaths in the family is enough for a year, but no. My Grandma a couple months ago was diagnosed with Leukemia, stage 0, which basically means they just watch it because nothing can be done. Now, it's moved to like stage 4. She can't handle and won't take the Chemo, and is going to die. We don't know how long, but she's managing well with all the pain killers she's on. It's horrible though, and I just can't take another death in the family now. I saw her today and she looked good, but for all I know it could have been the last time I'll see her. I'm leaving for camp in a couple hours, and it's been a hard year.
Please write me at camp. I promise I'll write back...
Spin
Camp Sugar Pine
P.O. Box 4398
Camp Connell, CA 95223
Jun. 2nd, 2007
02:09 am
So there are two cops standing in my room right now. My roommate Gina has drinken way too much tonight. I was about to get in bed when my roommates, Gina and Audrey come in with their friend Brent (who I know), and another guy Tony. Gina can barely stand up, Brent is holding her. Following them into our room is our RA Maggie, who saw them getting out of the car carrying Gina. Gina is throwing up, hitting her head on her bed, and so limp. Maggie proceeds to call the CSD--Kate, who is the adult in charge of our dorms. Kate comes and by then Gina is in the bathroom throwing up more. Kate tries to check her out and then proceeds to call the cops just to check her out. They get here, and get her to stand up, ask her questions. They ask her where she had been drinking, and she keeps saying here. She didn't even realize that she was in her dorm room. She kept appoligizing saying she was sorry. When we told her she was in her room she was like "oh really?" The cops say she's medically ok. They all leave, and we put her to bed. She is now passed out on the bed. Brent and AUdrey left, and Tony and I stayed and talked for over an hour. Brent is now back to watch her, and him and I are alone in the room.
I wonder how she will feel in the morning?
Maggie is so sweet, I'm really going to miss her next year. I'm also considering being an RA not next year but the following year. Perhaps, though I would hate having a meal plan again. I'd be cool to be an RA though.
May. 25th, 2007
10:01 pm
Guess who totally passed her driving test today?
That's right... me!
I am now officially a licensed driver!!!
I have a car, well kind of. I juts barely passed my test though--still feel like a failure a bit, despite the piece of paper I now have that says I can drive. The lady told me I failed the test within the first two minutes because when coming out of the parking lot of the DMV I didn't ease out to check more of the oncoming traffic. Usually, if people fail that part, the test is supposed to end and we should have returned to the parking lot. She let me take the whole test though and said I "kind of redeemed myself", so I passed. She just said I need a bit more practice. It was kind of sad though to think that I only "kind of" redeemed myself. Her comments to me:
1. I was driving too fast during some parts of the test (I was doing no more than 29 in a 25 zone, and as soon as it happened, I realized it)
2. I need to break smoother
3. I make my turns too tight (this is ironic because usually I make them too wide--I guess I overcompensated)
4. I need to scan more ahead with my eyes.
I actually only got 11 errors out of the 15 you are allowed to get.
None the less I passed. A bit of a confidence blow though, and after the test, driving home with my mom, I was nervous and could have done better. I do need more practice, but its hard to get.
I wonder if my parents will let me drive alone this weekend. I'm not aiming to go anywhere far, just run errands to the mall and out to breakfast with Dana and Tami. *Crosses fingers*
May. 24th, 2007
01:12 am
I'm writing an essay on lesbian erotica. Totally a graphic poem called, I Suck.
I love how open my gay lit class is. But I'm hating this essay. Thank you Jazzy for teaching me that lengthening trick, bc I'm almost done. Our teacher is a pretty easy grader so, I think another half page should suffice. My room is a mess. and by my room, i mean my corner. I need to pack because I'm going home tomorrow, so I've decided to skip Rec class in the morning to sleep in and pack. I've been feeling a bit menstral and sickly so I can use the sleep. Plus I already did and turned in the homework due tomorrow and there won't be a quiz. I usually hate skipping class, but going to sit and discuss sports for an hour and a half--I feel like I'm not missing much! Becka will fill me in later.
May. 20th, 2007
08:35 pm
I am number 7 in her top 8 friends on myspace. Does this maybe hint to something? I really hope it does...
May. 18th, 2007
12:03 pm
I love annoying my roommate. This morning, my OCD roommate, Gina, is in the bathroom blow drying her hair. I was in there too, washed my hands, and opened the door and went back into my room. My hands were wet when I opened the door, because I was going to dry them on my towel in the room. Less than a minute after i shit the door, she turned off her blow dryer and took a paper towel to wipe the wet door knob dry. She didn't come in the room though, she just dried it and went back to drying her hair. Can we say anal? I was trying to save a tree, and instead she wasted it.
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